My Second, First Day Back at Work

I won’t pretend. My first day back to work was a lot of ugly crying. Snot dripping, puffy eyed crying. I stayed strong for a little while though. Only a single tear rolled down my cheek as I watched from the nursery window while little Johnny shoved his finger up my newborn angel’s nose. I ran to my car where the floodgates opened. After about 30 minutes I pulled myself together and waltzed to the hospital because I said, I, Leah Elizabeth, was going back to work today. But after about 5 hours, I decided I needed more time.  So… extended maternity leave became a thing.

The first 8 weeks of my son’s life are a blur. Sleep deprivation, dirty diapers, and trying to figure out how to breast feed were all expected. I am a planner, I like to know what to expect. I could premake meals and online shop for diapers and wipes for weeks in preparation. But sending off my husband for a deployment to Iraq in those first 8 weeks, that was not planned and  that was not prepared for. Taking off the extra time from school went from being the worst case scenario to the most amazing gift. More time for little bubba and I to spend everyday together. And thank goodness for the Internet, we could still share as much as we could with my husband who was a world apart.

Fast forward: 6 months, my husband is home safe, we took our first family vacation to the beach and here I am again, getting ready to go back to work for my second, first day on the job.

I did not work through the stages of grief. I just wallowed in denial, soaked in it like a bubbling jacuzzi until the morning of came and I had to pump, I had to drive to the hospital, I had to see patients: whole new world of responsibilities beyond caring for my sweet boy. I snuggled my baby, said a prayer, and off I went. I called my mom, cried a few tears, but I went to work. I saw my patients, I discussed diagnoses. I am doing what I told my parents and teachers I would do when I grow up. I am going to be a doctor. 

Some times my head fills with negativity. I allow the world to dictate what I can or cannot achieve in my life. And the world says you can't have it all, you can't do everything. Going through my (second) first day I realized, I could and I would do everything. I am going to do what I was made to do: to love and serve others through medicine AND love and serve my husband, my son, and my family. 

Ya know, some days are harder than others where the breastmilk I pump for my son is a little saltier, seasoned with a few tears.  But God gives me little rewards and reminders everyday if I just take a moment to realize it. It comes in a thank you from a patient, it comes in my son’s laughter as he sees me walk in the door, it comes in soft kisses on my forehead from my husband. It’s in those moments that I know I’m exactly where God wants me to be, living out the life He purposed for me.